REEBOKS WILL GIVE YOU A NICE ASS

I have seen this video pretty much everywhere now so I figure I might as well post it as well. Apparently if you are a tasty young biscuit (beautiful young woman) and you wear these shoes, they will help give you a good ass. Yes you read that correctly. Just by wearing them and walking around you improve your butt. That's not all though. There is also a little known fact that if you run every other day while wearing them, you can get some nice legs too. The shoes are even so advanced that if you wear them to the gym for 4 or 5 days a week for an hour or more, you will be thin and athletic. Yep, all that from a little pair of shoes. Technology sure is amazing.

NEW WAVE WEDNESDAY VOL. 31

It's been a ridiculously long time since I've posted a New Wave video. There is a rerun of Criminal Minds on right now featuring cannibals though, and it always reminds me of this song. I immediately went to youtube to see if it was there and jackpot.

EXECUTIVE BALL SCRATCHER

Need a gift for the man who has everything? Finally there is a go to gift for you this holiday season. No reason to search any longer because The Skinny has you covered.

LAUGHING BABIES

I don't know if people will find this cute or scary, but I know at a minimum it makes me not want to have any kids.

SAND DINOSAURS

I got bored at the beach one day, and this was what I came up with.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN READS LADY GAGA'S POKER FACE

IT'S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON

IT'S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS.

BY COLIN NISSAN

- - - -

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff'rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

HALLOWEEN BINGO

IS ONE LIFE WORTH ONE MILLION DOLLARS?

By now I'm sure you have seen previews for the movie about pushing a button and killing a stranger. Well, this pretty much sums up how I would react in that situation. I drunkenly had a discussion about what I would do given the opportunity, and let's just say I have one fewer female friend now.

WOMEN LOVE THEM, GUYS HATE THEM

Finally the broads got it right. I am sick of at the random articles from women talking about what it is that men like/dislike. This one is actually pretty damn spot on.



I'll never forget when I realized that sometimes men don't think that we ladies look as cute as we think we do. The "incident" occurred a few years ago. I had just finished primping to go out and I asked my man for an assessment. He paused, briefly contemplated lying (so I could avoid the nine outfit changes that would soon follow), and then hesitantly replied, "Well, your shirt kind of looks like curtains."

Curtains?! Was the man crazy? It was an adorable, ruffled sleeveless top that I spent way too much money on for that kind of reaction. Needless to say, those ruffles were forever banished to the back of my closet. Once your shirt is compared to living room drapes, there's no going back.

From shoes to shades, read on for fashion essentials girls love, that guys could live without.

Gladiator Sandals
Your gladiators are your go-to summer shoe when you don't feel like wearing heels. Unfortunately, he has to spend all summer desperately trying to block the mental picture of Russell Crowe in a loin cloth.


Muu Muu Dresses
You think they're hippie chic. But if he wanted to visit grandma, he'd go to Boca Raton. (You're just a housecoat and a pair of slippers away from getting dumped.)




Leggings
They're cute, comfy, and a great alternative to jeans. But he's perplexed as to why you think it's cool to dress like Cyndi Lauper.


Oversize Sunglasses
While you and Nicole Richie love hiding behind large shades, he sees a human-size preying mantis getting a little too close for comfort.


Empire Waist Shirts
Your Saturday-night going-out ensemble is a loose, flowy top paired with skinny jeans. He doesn't understand why you're OK with strangers asking when you're due.


Massive Bags
You think it's normal to carry around 30 lbs. of your most prized possessions at all times. He thinks it's silly that you brought your suitcase to dinner.


A Going-Out Clutch
Sometimes the uber-large everyday bag isn't necessary. (Gotta give the shoulders a break, right?) He just sees it as an excuse for you to force him to carry your keys, Blackberry and assorted lip glosses in his pockets.


Spanx
Women have a love/hate relationship with Spanx. Men just hate them. Word to the wise, don't attempt putting those suckers on when your man is in the vicinity. Wait until you're married to show him your bag 'o tricks.


Harem Pants
Even you know these are pretty ridiculous-looking. So imagine how mortified your man is that he has to take MC Hammer out for fro-yo.


Ankle Boots
Fashion-forward ladies love this season's little booties. But when you and the girls go out, he can't help but refer to your crew as the Keebler Elves.

BABYMAKING CONDOM

I've never been big on posting stuff from the "FAIL" movement, but somethings are just too good to pass on, like this. Not really sure how someone didn't think this through. It was obviously done by the guy who joined the Anti-AIDS drive because he has never been laid and figure he might meet some girls who obviously like to bang. Hope she brought her own because this condom is more of a babymaker than Shawn Kemp.

DOUCHEBAG SOLIDARITY

It's official, they have a colored ribbon to support everything now.

HORATIO CAINE BEATS JAY LENO

Click and hold Horatio!

HOLLOWEEN COSTUME SUGGESTIONS

WHAT DOES MARCELLUS WALLACE LOOK LIKE?

REFEREE GETS RUN OVER BY JEFF DUGAN

The guy got drilled, but if you watched the game you saw that he played up the injury to a ridiculous level. He stayed down for about 5 minutes and then had to be helped off the field. Clearly he wasn't hit in the head nor did his head hit the ground. He must be looking for injury pay. It looks to me like he is intentionally slowing down (some weird stutter stepping going on) to get in the way of the return. I am going to go so far as to say he was on the take and was cheating for the Steelers. Someone start the investigation.

*Update - NFL looking into referee misconduct

MAN OR WOMAN?

Bad enough driver to do this, but smart enough to drive off. Which one is it?

MAN GETS DUI IN A LAY-Z BOY

DULUTH, Minn. – A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to driving his motorized La-Z-Boy chair while drunk. A criminal complaint says 62-year-old Dennis LeRoy Anderson told police he left a bar in the northern Minnesota town of Proctor on his chair after drinking eight or nine beers.

Prosecutors say Anderson's blood alcohol content was 0.29, more than three

times the legal limit, when he crashed into a parked vehicle in August 2008. He was not seriously injured.

Police said the chair was powered by a converted lawnmower and had a stereo and cup holders.

Sixth Judicial District Judge Heather Sweetland stayed 180 days of jail time Monday and ordered two years of probation for Anderson. His attorney, David Keegan, did not immediately return a call for comment.

Plus a special bonus:

I MISS COLLEGE

Yes, I am still on my fraternity's group email account, and no I will not be leaving it anytime soon. How else am I suppose to remember the good old days that I completely blacked out? Now I can get pictures like this in an email titled "How We Pregame" and just guess from my seat, sober at work, as to what glorious shit happened that night. I am going to assume at least one fight and 2 or 3 pregnancies.

TEACHER UNLEASHES CORPORAL PUNISHMENT