TWILIGHT IS AMAZING

Oh wait, no it's not. Twilight sucks. Their vampires are the biggest bitches in the history of the vampire kingdom. I can't think of a single book, comic, movie, tall tale, graphic novel, or drunk guys story in which the vampires were bigger pussies than in Twilight. Even the name sucks. Twilight. What a loser time of day. Pick a real time. Day, night, dusk, dawn....what the hell is twilight? Patterson, Pattinson, Petergrabber...whatever his name is...he is clearly the Jonathon Taylor Thomas of our generation. The weird thing is that girls in their mid to late 20s are obsessed with a 23 year old decent looking dude. I'm sorry ladies, but that's fucking weird. You are all now the equivalent of star wars geeks. This guy isn't the new George Clooney or Brad Pitt. Five years from now he is not going to be up for GQ Man of the Year. You are all going to feel ridiculous for sweating him. Twilight is like a bad 80s trend. It's fun at the time but you will be incredibly embarrassed that you were into it a few year later. Trust me though, I will always be there to remind you.

*Editors note: This was written while wasted. Not bad if you ask me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

It's my birthday. Yes, the legend that is The Flint Skinny was actually born like the rest of you regular folks. As you might guess, I intend to celebrate my birthday by consuming copious amount of alcohol...as is the American way. For me it's extra important to celebrate with booze though. Way back when, my uncle decided that November 20th was a good day to get married. While that seems perfectly reasonable, a tiny unborn child disagreed. My uncle(now my godfather) is my dad's only brother, and my dad was set to be his best man. As a badass kid even before birth though, my dad wanted to be there for my triumphant escape from the womb. As the story would play out, that wedding was the greatest thing that could ever happen to me. I busted out of mom in 40 minutes, and my dad managed to make it to the wedding just as the reception started. He proceeded to get shitfaced in celebration of marriage and fatherhood. Once thoroughly intoxicated, he ran around the reception saying he just had a son named Ollie(short for Oliver). This immediately resulted in a call to my mom from an aunt to inform her that my dad was referring to me as Ollie, which quickly ended any possibility of me being named Oliver. Every year I toast to the Oliver that never made the cut. Here's to you Ollie!

Happy anniversary to my Uncle Paul and happy birthday to my Uncle Steve.

I LIVE IN A FANTASY UNIVERSE

BEST CYBER SEX EVER

UPS DELIVERY INSTRUCTIONS

SARAH PALIN'S OPRAH INTERVIEW

7 REASONS TO KEEP YOUR T-REX OFF CRACK COCAINE

EXCAVATOR CAR WASH

I would highly recommend that if you work with large machinery that you don't try to use it to wash your car. While this wasn't the outcome I was expecting, you have to expect that something was going to go poorly. In this case, poorly means destroying the entire car. They say that water is one of the most destructive forces on earth. It turns out they may be right because this car is fucked the fuck up.

HUMP DAY PHOTO DUMP

STEVEN TYLER IS A PUSSY; LIV TYLER IS A PIRATE

As I am sure you all have heard by now, Aerosmith is on indefinite hiatus. Steven Tyler for some reason thinks that after 20 years of Aerosmith, people are going to want to hear him as a solo artist. Sadly, as he will find out in a matter of months, that isn't the case. Nobody gives a shit about how Steven Tyler feels about music and the the new "Brand Tyler" is going to be. No. We want Aerosmith. I think they should take a play out of Steel Dragon's playbook and hire the best cover band lead singer as his replacement. While they guy may not be Mark Walberg he will be good enough to get the job done, assuming he has the right look(decrepit female corpse). Wikipedia was so upset by this that it released well documented, yet unknown, information regarding Aerosmith and the Tyler family. Here's a screen shot with which to educate yourself. Pay special attention to the second paragraph.

WHERE SHOULD I EAT?

If you are like any other regular human being, you have found yourself asking where you should get food. It can be a really tough choice with all of the tremendous fast food choices. Well worry no more because your choice has been made for you. Now all you have to do is show up and order.

MONA DIESEL

Whenever Vin Diesel plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders because he's not some pussy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

IT'S ME! EVERY GIRL EVER!

Yet another reason to love craigslist.

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!


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SEXUAL POSITIONS FOR THE LONELY AND LOVELESS

'80S AEROBICS CHAMPIONSHIPS

It's things like this that make me incredibly happy that I was just a wee young lad. While the 90s spawned some ridiculous shit too...this is about as bad as I can imagine.

GUARANTEED WAY TO WIN AT ROULETTE

RESPECT THE MULLET

The mullet gets very little respect, and typically with good reason. I am starting to rethink that whole stance though based entirely on Jared Allen. In fact, I just started growing my mullet. Just now. It's happening. Where's a wall? I'm going through it.

KEYS VS LOCKS: THE DOUBLE STANDARD

I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a slut. So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock. That shut her up.

WHICH CAME FIRST?

GEORGE W BUSH AT THE U.N.

If you thought you'd seen the last of Bush when the Obama media train started rolling, you were wrong. I firmly believe that Bush is going to be one of the best ex-presidents ever. He is far too hilarious to keep him from popping up places. Here is a little known gem from one of GWs finest days.