Like many red-blooded males across the country, Halloween is one of my favorite times of the year. If you're a guy, you've most likely been plotting out some hilarious costume for a month now, and it's finally almost time for the payoff. Double Rainbow, Brett Favre, Antoine Dodson...they're all good. But that's not what the season is all about. Let me be more specific about my earlier claim. The weekend of Halloween and the few days following it (when you get the onslaught of pictures posted across the web) is my favorite time of year, and it's all thanks to the ladies. There's no other time, except in Vegas, when you can go out and see so many women dressed in so little. The outfits that women are willing to wear one weekend a year never cease to amaze me. It's like the Amish going on Rumspringa only it happens every year.
Whether it's a slutty cop, a naughty nurse, or an erotic
One of these lists suggested that there should be no slutty zombie costumes. Excuse me? Who better to spread the infection when the zombipocalypse begins. And a ban on sexy Darth Vader? I would love to have a roll in the sack with a hot female version of Darth. A trip up her darkside sounds fantastic. Finally, I had to flat out give up reading when I came across one hating on a hot Ghostbuster. While my imagination is quite expansive on what can be sexy, the ladies still don't have free reign. I give you the top 9 most inappropriate sexy costumes:
Disclaimer: If you don't know the the actual definition of sexy, please stop reading and climb to the top of a very tall building during a wind storm. Just to clarify though, I am sticking with my man Webster's definition as "sexually suggestive or stimulating."
9. School Girl:
Just barely squeezing into the list is the school girl. This is a fairly standard fantasy for guys, so most people are fairly numb to the reality of the situation. The average school girl is 18 for only a couple months. If you see one, odds are that she's somewhere between 14 and 17. Let that sink in a bit. Yeah, your predominant fantasy is based on teenage girl. Thankfully, the school girl outfit has been donned for years by plenty of more-than-legal ladies, so it's roots don't carry much weight anymore.
8. Hermione Granger
Much like the school girl, this is a percentage based inclusion. When we (I haven't read any of the books) first met Hermione, she was 11 or 12. This means that for the vast majority of her presence in your little kiddie books, she was somewhere between 11 and 17. Sure she can work some magic, but she's just a little girl. Much like Britney Spears did for the school girl though, Lindsay Lohan makes it all OK. When it comes to most people, the stereotypical image of a sexy Hermione is a large breasted Lohan on SNL. That fact remains though that you are getting all hot and bothered by a junior high/high school girl.
Pulling in next is the adorable girl who just wanted some food and a place to catch a nap. As is fairly common with this list, the lack of sexiness comes not from the costume itself but rather from the fear of being found out as a pedophile. While Goldilocks age was never actually revealed, she was most commonly described as a young girl. If that doesn't do it for you, she's also a burglar, thief, and zoophiliac. There's nothing sexy about sleeping with bears.
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6. Strawberry Shortcake
Here we have another fictional character who is too young to be sexy. She comes in at six because, unlike her predecessors, this one has no wiggle room. While I don't know her actual age, she is always depicted as a little girl. She's a cute little bugger who should never be viewed with lustful eyes. She and her friend Raspberry Tart have no place in the bars for Halloween. Any woman trying to seduce you dressed as a child should be kidnapped and sold into the sex trade industry.
5. Girl Scout
This one is basically a no-brainer. The word "girl" is right there in the title. Clearly she isn't of age. Girl scouts are between 7 and 17 years old, so there is absolutely nothing there for you. You can't claim that you are thinking about the one that's 18 because she doesn't exist. The idea of a tween being viewed as sexy is just disgusting. The first thing that comes to mind for them is knocking on doors trying to get people to buy their cookies. See...I'll bet even the phrase "buy their cookies" felt awkward for you. The scouts are out.
4. Sponge Bob
Now we start getting into strange world of not sexy and meant for kids. Sponge Bob...where to begin. Well, first of all its a sponge. That right there is a deal-break. You can't be sexually stimulating when your entire body is porous. More importantly, it's a dude sponge meant to entertain kids. He's a lazy adult who acts like a child. He is beloved by children the world over, which means that the sexytimesexified. You want to dress as a slutty Patty Mayonnaise? That's cool. Spongy McSquarepants is a no-go though.
This one is pretty straight forward. Male, Fish, Kid. Do you really need more than that? If my recollection serves me, Nemo was supposedly around 5 years old. Nobody, I don't care how hot you are, should be trying to make a 5 year old seem sexy. What kind of person are you trying to attract here lady? Guys who have Pedobear costumes for non-comedic purposes that's who. If you really must go the aquatic route, I suggest Kanye West as a gay fish.
So you are finally coming around into agreement with me thanks to these incredibly young character ages huh? Well, how about this one? While it's easily the most tame of the costumes, our ticklish little friend Elmo is only three and a half! Starting last year Sesame Street costumes have been getting really popular. The entire category is a little sketchy, but Elmo really takes the cake. 3 and 1/2 years old people! What are girls thinking when they dress up like a sexy toddler? More importantly, what's wrong with you if you find the idea of a tiny red furry creature sexually appealing? I can trick myself into believing a lot of things are hot, but this will never be one of them.
And finally, there's the baby. This one is very rare outside of college, but it's so horrendous that it had to be included. There is no reason that anyone on earth should be dressed as an infant, Halloween or otherwise. You can't get much more creepy than pretending you are a baby. Unfortunately, it's a staple of sorority pledge classes everywhere. Not only that, but seeing 60 girls running around in diapers might be so traumatizing that you are scared to have sex for months. If you know someone considering going down the sexy baby road, please slap them as hard as you possibly can.
This is obviously not a complete list, and the order in which they fell was the subject of extensive debate. You can all most likely think of quite a few more that fit in the "inappropriate sexy costumes" category, so feel free to add your own or object to mine. I must warn you though, disagreement with a few of them may result in an immediate call to the Cyber Police. Consequences will never be the same.