When I was a kid, I was incredibly jealous of my Jewish friends who had Bar Mitzvahs. Actually, that's not true at all because I only had one Jewish friend, and I moved away before he became a man. Really, it was later in life when I realized how much money these kids got for absolutely nothing that I became jealous. Really you little bitch, tens of thousands of dollars just for turning 13? That's fucking horseshit!
Still later in life, I made another realization; I was not nearly popular enough to come out on top of the Bar Mitzvah pyramid scheme. Regardless of how big the payday was when I turned teen, over my adult years I would end up giving far more money than I ever received. While not everyone wanted to be friends with the funny kid growing up, once we get to that point in our lives where things become monotonous and boring, everyone wants a guy like me around. I would definitely end up in the Bar Mitzvah red, and that's just not something my bank can bear right now.
Every TV series and movie makes such a big deal about the process kids go through preparing for the ceremony, but leave it to Matumbo Goldberg to show us a different side of the action. Apparently it's not all just history and Hebrew. "Fuck Boones Farms! That blackberry Manischewitz fucks you up!"